I Want to Break Regina Spektor's Heart

Years of failed piano lessons and a guitar gathering dust in the basement have taught me the terrible but undeniable lesson that I have no musical talent. Not for me the screaming adulation of fans, the loose woman, the easily available drugs (at least not for me the screaming adulation of fans). For a man of lesser imagination and drive, this utter absence of ability would preclude the possibility of my being instrumental in the creation of a work of musical genius. Thankfully, I am not a man of lesser imagination and drive, and have discovered a way in which I can still make a contribution to the glorious tableau that is pop music. I will convince an Indy-rock singer-songwriter to fall in love with me and then break her heart.

No great work of art was ever dependent entirely upon the actions of one individual. Where would Van Gogh have been without the woman who drove him to madness? Absent fame and possessing two ears. Where would Mick Jagger be without the dozens of underage black girls he's had sex with? An aging androgynous brick layer in Kent (if an aging androgynous brick layer in Kent without a vicious case of the clap). I don't necessarily know that all good art comes from pain, but I know that most great pop-music comes from finding someone who can really mess you up. Very simply, I am going to make it my mission to become that person with the next Joanna Newsome. Or, if she's up for it, the current Joanna Newsome.

If this is coming off as somehow predatory, that's not my intent. I won't relish the pain I cause my future love. This isn't some sort of a trick. My goal is not to con a singer-songwriter into loving me. My goal is to get into a serious, meaningful, committed relationship which ends in total emotional destruction for the both of us. The sort of emotional destruction that, should anyone ever be asked what it was like making an album during the period they underwent it, their answer would almost certainly involve the word 'bleak.'