Are You a Self-checkout Doofus?

This Quiz Will Tell You If You Are One of Society's Self-checkout Challenged

When self-checkout registers started appearing in department and grocery stores a few years back, a lot of people weren't ready for them. Some apparently still aren't. The problem is, most people don't realize they are self-checkout challenged until it is too late - until they find themselves screaming back at a redundant voice recording who, unbeknownst to them, cannot hear them, and attempting to stab the pin pad to death with its own plastic Etch-A-Sketch type pen after it has rejected their credit card.

Luckily I have developed a personality inventory that everyone can take to determine whether or not they have the "right stuff" to enjoy a positive experience at the self-checkout counter. This way, you can save yourself the humiliation of a self-checkout breakdown in public as I have witnessed more times than I care to admit.

The title of this questionnaire is "Are You a Self-checkout Doofus?"

1. Do you have a propensity to try to make computerized devices respond to you by banging on them, such as slot machines, vending machines, and automatic bank teller machines? If so, then you should avoid self-checkout counters at all costs, particularly the pin pad. It will not respond to repeated smacking with the pen.

2. Do you talk back to computer-generated messages such as department store intercom announcements, automated political campaign phone calls, and announcements to watch your step at the end of moving walkways and rides at Disney World? If yes, I would recommend going to a live checker who can swear back at you when your credit card doesn't go through.

3. Are you unable end your cell phone call even when you are scanning and bagging groceries and there are a half dozen people behind you waiting to check out? If so, I'm sorry, you do not have the minimum required intelligence to use the sef-checkout aisle.