My Last Confession

I was raised Catholic, but left the Church long ago. It made me feel bad about myself, because of a misfortune at birth--I was born a girl. My parents both went to parochial schools and my dad went to a Jesuit college. I managed to dodge that bullet (it was too expensive for them to send four kids). However, I still managed to absorb an unhealthy amount of guilt and shame because Mom and Dad were immersed in it during their formative years, so that's how they raised us and how they continue to live their own lives.

I am what some might call a "New Ager." The last officially sanctioned Catholic action in my life was my First Confession. I don't recall how old I was, but it was during elementary school. Needless to say, I didn't have a whole lot to confess (I remember that one of the "sins" I confessed to is that I didn't clean my room), but the concept of the necessity to do so was still deeply ingrained even if I did rebel against it. I didn't even realize that it was still there until very recently.

Last week I was talking to my dear friend Vickie and it was my turn to dominate the conversation (we take turns, so we each get an equal chance to vent). The essence of what I told I told her was that, even though I felt ready to take the next step upward into a much higher spiritual and energetic vibration in order to claim the good that I came here to do, I didn't feel worthy to do so because of things I've done in my past that might come back to haunt me if I dared to declare myself "clean."

She said something that really made me think. She said that, of all the people she knows, no one has as many self-doubts as I. No one she knows can--in the same breath--talk of being soul connected and aligned with Spirit, with an understanding of the Ascension process, and then throw it all directly down the crapper by expressing fear of karmic punishment for past misdeeds.

I've been pondering this for a few days. It made me feel good to know that so many other people (she has a wide circle of friends) do not live with this feeling of "I suck!" because then I know I'm the one who's unusual--I'm the one with something big to change.