Prelude to My Night with Oscar: A Live Report from the Frontlines of the Barbara Walters Special

6:45 PM: I'm babysitting my mother tonight. No, she's not some Alzheimer flukie, or a stroke victim, or anything sketchy and depressing like that. My father, her husband, our friend, is on the rarest of rare business trips, his first since... maybe '85, and she fears being alone (which is strange since the last violent crime that this town has seen occurred in 1878). This is actually a good thing, though, because I can now watch every ounce of this Oscars shindig in relative peace. I say "relative" only because A) my mother is my relative, one of my closest in fact, and B) my mother can't do anything quietly, and that includes watching a yearend awards show. She's currently trying to get the dog to eat; apparently Dakota, a two-year-old Cockapoo, has had severe depression ever since my dad took off on Friday and she's been gettin' all-Olsen Twins on our asses. My mom's literally kneeling by her bowl, making "yum, yum" noises; this is a bit off-putting. Clearly, someone needs to tell her that this dog is not a person.

However, maybe I'm wrong, because this pathetic goofball act seems to be working. The dog hasn't eaten a thing in 24 hours, but it's wolfing this shit down like it's her last meal on earth. It feels good to see her eat. I've told myself not to watch the E! Channel. The E! Channel has been airing their "Oscar Pre-Game Show" since noon. I am not exaggerating. Fucking noon, as in 12 PM or nearly seven hours ago. I promised myself I wouldn't cut into the action until ABC starts their proper coverage, which begins shortly with the annual Barbara Walters special. And since I loathe Ms. Walters, I can't wait for this to start.

6:59 PM: We are seconds away from the Barbara Walters Oscar Special. You know I love Tom Brokaw and Babara Walters for the same reason... Easily, my two favorite news-personalities with violent speech impediments; God, I love those fuckers.

7:02 PM: Ellen. Ellen is the host for tonight's Academy Awards. That is why she is the first interviewee. Let's see how many times they mention the "gay thing". The over/under is set at 31.5.