If the Condom Fits, Wear It

As guys, there are products we love - iPods, Ducati motorcycles, Jessica Alba, and there are products we hate - scented candles, beds with 465 useless pillows, and most Penny Marshall films. But in the history of guy products, we've never both loved and hated any single thing quite as much as the condom. On one hand, condoms are uncomfortable, they reduce sensation during sex, it kills the moment taking the time to put one on, and when you buy a dozen and four years later you realize 11 of them are now past their expiration date, you feel like a total loser. (Um…not that that's ever happened to me or anything. I mean not since college.)

On the plus side, we love condoms because they usually mean we're having sex. With a partner. Hopefully not a partner named "Miss Krystall" who we had to rent for the hour.

However for a product so ubiquitous, the condom has, until recently, remained fairly simple. They were made of latex (does anyone really use lambskin?). They came in one size. And your only real choices were brand, ribbed, or the occasional Kiss of Mint flavored novelty condom. But about five years ago, things started to change. NASA-esque research and development went into discovering new materials, new designs, and news ways to make you forget you were even wearing a rubber. (Wow, does the word "rubber" sound dated now or what?) These days there are so many condom options, it makes you almost want to say forget it and spend the night with the Spice Channel and a warm washcloth. (I know, too much information. Sorry.)

So to save you the sheer agony of figuring out which condom is the best, I, along with my wonderful lab assistant, have taken it upon myself to do the exhaustive (and sometimes acrobatic) research for you.

Sweet Jesus, sometimes I really love my job.