Paula Abdul: How the Craziest American Idol Host is Incredibly Entertaining

Who would have thought that a woman whose biggest work as an artist was dancing with a cartoon cat would go crazy?

Well, honestly, I probably would have.

Paula Abdul was dragged from the gutter of obscurity by a little show called American Idol, and really, she's the star of the show to anyone who watches it with a sadistic streak. Her gradual spin into the world of the bizarre is absolutely fascinating.

She started out as a respectable host-as respectable as a show that's dedicated to tearing down the dreams of normal and occasionally weak people could be. Then, something special happened.

I can't say that Paula Abdul has been drinking. That's a rumor, it can't be proved, and frankly I don't believe it. I think she's just plain insane-I mean, I've been drunk, and I've never acted like Paula Abdul. My words don't slur as much, even when I'm as blitzed as I've ever been. Some of her entire sentences have been running together. "GWAAFFUMMBBADEEESCCOOOORRR" she'll say, and Simon will disagree and she'll hit him with her large Amazon hands.

She's also apparently lost the ability to control her more emotional tendencies. She'll regularly jump up and yell at Simon or start crying when a contestant gets dumped out of the competition. Her mascara runs like a Mexican for the border, and she can't get a word out other than grunts and rapid hand gestures towards the male contestants. Come, she seems to be saying, be with me. We can be forever. We can be the sky.

As the seasons have gone on, Paula's been acting more and more unsettling. In a recent interview, she had all the coherency of a retarded mutant without a tongue, and somehow, her excuse-that she had two sound signals in her ear-didn't quite vibe with anyone who has, oh, say, spoken English in any basic respect in the last decade or so. Words don't work like that, Paula. Normal people aren't confused that easily, and there's not a switch that turns off in our heads when two sound sources hit us. "Ah! A fire engine and a dog barking! Must...concentrate...and try to....compliment crappy singer! AHHH!"