SELFISHNESS SEPARATES US FROM ONENESS WITH OUR SPOUSE
In the scriptures we read, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matt. 19:6.).
I often thought of this scripture as a narrow interpretation that really just applied to spouses seeking a divorce from one another; I now understand that this scripture really pertains to anything that I may personally do that separates me from oneness with my spouse.
We learn from President Hinckley that many difficulties or separations in oneness with our spouse in marriage stem from selfishness in a May 1991 Ensign Article (What God Hath Joined Together).
"Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy selfish lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women.
Too many who come to marriage have been coddled and spoiled and somehow led to feel that everything must be precisely right at all times, that life is a series of entertainments, that appetites are to be satisfied without regard to principle. How tragic the consequences of such hollow and unreasonable thinking!"
HOW WE FALL INTO THE SELFISHNESS TRAP
I find that I fall into this trap of selfishness when I start thinking about "fairness" in marriage. It tends to occur when I begin equating tasks with chalking up points for how many times I've done something or feel I'm making a greater contribution in my marriage than my spouse.
Think about it in terms of figure skating - you get a point for completing certain elements of a program. You try to maximize your score to "win."
- Took the garbage out - 1 point
- Put the baby to bed - 1 point
- Initiated family prayer/scripture study/family home evening - 3 points
- Got the oil changed in the car - 2 points
- Cleaned the shower - 5 points
- Gave up an annoying habit I know my spouse hates - 6 points
In the scriptures we read, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matt. 19:6.).
I often thought of this scripture as a narrow interpretation that really just applied to spouses seeking a divorce from one another; I now understand that this scripture really pertains to anything that I may personally do that separates me from oneness with my spouse.
We learn from President Hinckley that many difficulties or separations in oneness with our spouse in marriage stem from selfishness in a May 1991 Ensign Article (What God Hath Joined Together).
"Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy selfish lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women.
Too many who come to marriage have been coddled and spoiled and somehow led to feel that everything must be precisely right at all times, that life is a series of entertainments, that appetites are to be satisfied without regard to principle. How tragic the consequences of such hollow and unreasonable thinking!"
HOW WE FALL INTO THE SELFISHNESS TRAP
I find that I fall into this trap of selfishness when I start thinking about "fairness" in marriage. It tends to occur when I begin equating tasks with chalking up points for how many times I've done something or feel I'm making a greater contribution in my marriage than my spouse.
Think about it in terms of figure skating - you get a point for completing certain elements of a program. You try to maximize your score to "win."
- Took the garbage out - 1 point
- Put the baby to bed - 1 point
- Initiated family prayer/scripture study/family home evening - 3 points
- Got the oil changed in the car - 2 points
- Cleaned the shower - 5 points
- Gave up an annoying habit I know my spouse hates - 6 points
After taking out the garbage, putting the baby to bed, or washing the dishes for the umpteenth time you start thinking, isn't it my spouse's turn? Move from a selfish line of thinking to a charitable approach to improve your relationship.
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