Discovering Your Inner Tyler Turden

I have many opinions.
(I don't know where they came from).

I know how to please my spouse.
(I learned from magazines and talks shows how to please a spouse).

Our founding fathers were great men.
(The author of the Declaration of Independence owned human beings).

This country was founded on religious freedom and tolerance.
(How many of those executed in Salem, Mass were really witches)?

Free universal health care is a bad thing.
(How many company execs pay out of pocket to see a doctor?)

America is a democracy where the will of the people presides.
(Our leader was elected with fewer votes than his opponent).

Osama Bin Laden is a wanted man because he financed the deaths of 3000 people.
(The CEOs of beer companies finance at least that many deaths every day).

Free market competition is good because it promotes creativity and innovation.
(Which raisin brand should I buy: Kellogg's, Post, General Mills, generic)?

All I have to do is work hard and I can achieve wealth.
(I've got better odds of winning the lottery).

I think I understand what everybody says.
(But I don't realize that what they said is not what they meant).