Hey, Badder-Badder! The Essentials of Baseball

We place a great deal of importance on sports in America, bordering on religious fervor. Just yesterday Southern California saw the touring display of the 1909 Honus Wagner card, nicknamed the "Mona Lisa" of baseball cards, valued at $1.3 million. I take the liberty of speaking for all of you when I say:

'The bubblegum on that thing must taste terrible by now!"

By today's standards, it's not that spectacular-looking. Articles admittedly describe it as a scrap of cardboard, two and a half by two inches, not even a mini-hologram in the corner to confirm its authenticity. And it's simply a portrait of Honus, not even a photo of the great shortstop (I assume he was great, I never met him) in action, diving to catch a grounder. There are photos of the auction representative holding it up, and the press taking close-up pictures of the frame, bystanders making "oooooh-aaah" noises (again I assume they are making noises, it's just a photo in the paper after all. They could just be making silent, round "O" shapes with their mouths). But its condition is described as "near-mint" after all these years, which explains the huge amount of cash from whoever bought it. I keep thinking that the bicycle, where you would stick that card in the spokes of, must be made of solid gold. Or at least a bicycle made by BMW.