Ann Coulter Eaten Alive by Jackals as Crowd Applauds

Residents of Washington D.C. were treated yesterday to the final performance of conservative pundit Ann Coulter, as a group a vicious, rabid jackals tore the equally viscous and rabid blond limb from limb in the streets of our nation's capitol. The animals were in transport to the National Zoo, but escaped when a drunk driver rammed the transport, breaking open the secured doors of the truck.

"We were afraid they would all go in different directions," said Robert, "Bob" Binder, the Zoo keeper in charge of the transport, "but they ran straight for that blond woman. I guess she must have had blood on her somewhere."

Miss Coulter emerged from the CNN building on Pennsylvania Avenue, with the fresh veins of liberals and Muslims squishing softly between her pointy teeth. According to witnesses, as she began to answer a cell phone call, the jackals, native to Africa, lunged on her from all sides, throwing her back on the pavement several feet.

Charlie Berg, a resident of California visiting the capitol, was on hand to witness the gruesome horror. "At first I wanted to help her," said Charlie, but I realized that it was Anne Coulter when she started calling the dogs "fagots." And I just said, you know what girlfriend, you are on your own! My dog mace is for people who are sensitive to my community."

Vickie Baptim, a secretary in a local office, was also at the scene. "We were all going out to lunch, the other office girls and me, when these dogs just flew through the air and clobbered that woman. Lucy wanted to call 911, but the Sally said that the crazy (expletive) was for taking away women's right to vote. Can you believe that? So anyway we argued about it for a while and finally decided to just keep going."