Are You a Villain?

Do you struggle day after day to make this world a better place for everyone and it doesn't seem to be working? Is there a strange feeling you don't belong and wonder about your purpose in life? Do you think your destiny is to be on another team, one that plays by different rules? Do you need to hold your cat while talking on the speakerphone? You-- yes you-- may be a villain, possibly even a super-villain!

I don't want to push you into a life of evil if you don't want that, and surely none of us wakes up in the morning wanting, planning to be the bad guy. Nobody says, "I'm going to irritate someone by pretending to go into the offramp, then swerve right back into the freeway again",or "I'm going to fart in a crowded elevator and not feel guilty about it". Nobody, except those who are destined to be the villain, the heavy, the nemesis of the system, the misunderstood visionaries whose solutions will be called too extreme, or even "wrong" by this farce of common sense, a popularity contest called "majority rule". Those Fools!

Egads, you caught me monologuing again! Anyways, answer this brief questionnaire to determine if you have what it takes to take on the world.

- Are you bald, or at least have an exotically-shaped goatee? (extra points if you are a woman)
- Do you keep man-eating sharks in your swimming pool?
- In your basement, are there giant vats of either red-hot, or super-cooled liquids you keep for scientific purposes (i.e. for people to constantly fall into)?
- Does your desk have a control panel with a button that says "Trap Door"?
- Do you own a cabinet filled with 3,000 identical Nehru jackets?
- Is there an industrial-power laser beam in the middle of your living room (and not in the kitchen where it belongs)?

- Do you find the following remarks funny:
(a) Where have you taken my daughter?
(b) I demand you release me at once!
(c) This is madness, I tell you. Madness!
(d) You're making a big mistake. Superman will save me!
(e) You'll never get away with this!
(f) Not the salad tongs! Anything but that! Aieeeeeee!
(g) (or the abbreviated version, simply:) Aiieeeeee!