An Opinion Paper on Self-Injury

Why do people use self-injury, in its many forms, as a way to cope with life? I ask this question myself on a daily basis, but more specifically, "Why I do have urges to cut when things get rough?" I cannot easily begin to answer it, but I can describe what I feel when I cut myself. I can also describe reactions people have had when I have told them the truth about my left hand as well as why I had to have surgery and occupational therapy on it.

It is embarrassing for me to know that I have scars because of injuries caused by my own two hands. I often feel guilty after I cut, and I do understand that this is a serious problem. I have told most people that I "got cut with a box cutter". What I neglect to say is that it had nothing to do with a box, but rather I was intentionally cutting my skin with a box cutter. At the time I did it, I felt numb all over, almost as though I was not real because I could not feel anything. I think I could relate closely to Pinocchio in his quest to be real. Unfortunately, there were no fairy godmothers, or crickets to keep me on the right track, I was on my own, and numb to everything. Was this a suicide attempt? No, I was cutting In order to feel something, anything beyond the numbness, just something to make myself see that I truly was "real". Did I do any lasting damage? Yes, as a direct result of my cutting, I now have nerve damage in my wrist, which causes numbness, tingling, and difficulty in straightening my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. Will I ever regain everything I lost in my left hand? Maybe, but there are no guarantees that I will regain 100% of my sense of touch, and ability to use those fingers. Do I still cut? Unfortunately yes, but not as frequent as I did before, nor do I cut as deep as I did up to the time I messed up my hand. I have to take each day as it comes, because for me to say I will never cut again is like an alcoholic saying they will never drink again. I can say it has been x number of hours, days, or weeks since I last cut. Though I have learned that claiming I will never cut again makes me feel even more guilty after I cut then I would had I never said I wouldn't ever do it again.