Ten Cool Things About Being an Amputee

Humor Really is the Best Medicine

Some people handle grave situations differently than others. Last September I contracted a septic infection and subsequently ended up with my left leg being amputated in the emergency room. When I woke up six days later I was intubated, on a feeding tube and completely disoriented. When I could finally talk my first words were, "Can I see my leg? My knee is really lonely". After that I was cracking jokes and annoying the nurses with questions about the six missing days of my life.

Being an amputee is tough. Being a chick amputee is even harder. Being a chick with an amputated leg that is six foot tall is just comical. The wind blows and I feel like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I'm walking but I'm also side stepping and trying to figure out the easiest way to walk down a hill without looking like I'm doing a "Stop, Drop And Roll" fire prevention presentation. Even so, there is a lot of humor involved in it.

Guilt Free Use of Handicapped Bathrooms: I'm tall so the regular stalls were never fun for me. Now that I can use them without having to endure icy stares from others, going to the bathroom is a guilt free experience. Of course when I have sweats or jeans on you can't see the leg so I have to defend my right to squat in the big stall to those waiting outside.

Screwing With Security Guards: This happens all the time at the airport. Something in my leg sets off the metal detector and I get bum rushed by guards and airport police. What exactly do they think I am smuggling? Whatever the case may be, they put my leg through the x-ray machine and lemme just say this, seeing it come out the other side is funny but not as hysterical as seeing the reactions of those unlucky soles behind me that are still waiting for their bags and personal effects.

Half Price Pedicures! Getting half price pedicures isn't reason enough to get a BKA (below knee amputation) but I tell you this, when they tried to charge me full price for one I just looked at her. The lady with eight fingers gets a discount why can't I get the same deal?