What to Do with the Stupid People Problem

As population rates continue to grow exponentially, clustering us humans into ever smaller apartment buildings, next to even more loud neighbors with poorly-chosen music rattling the walls, the human species has come to a crossroads. Either we allow the world to expend all of our natural resources by overpopulating, or we act and save the globe. I say we act; we should eliminate the stupid people to create room for the rest of us.

Barely evolved from early Neanderthals, the stupid people are an incorrigible breed of moronic organisms that should have been eliminated by Darwin's natural selection long ago. Unfortunately, with the advent of alcohol fermentation on early civilization, the duffaces were able to evade the process of nocturnal selection (in which mates are chosen for short-lived, irresponsible, and sloppy drunken breeding) and proliferate. Like father, like son, the low-IQ children grow into fully developed idiots, ignoramuses, and Iranian leaders, multiplying the already vast populace of stupid.

We will not dwell long on identifying a stupid person, because the tell-tale signs are an overt indication to even the novice stupid-watcher. First, look for syntactically imperfect sentences that contain asinine logic. For instance, you might hear one of the dumb say I don't need no education. See? In just that sentence they've used a double negative, and have failed to realize that a college education is another opportunity for intoxicated intercourse, which seems to be the goal of stupid people, or at least their tactic for survival. Other flagrant indicators include: attempting to use an exit-only door as an entrance and then pondering why the door won't open; asking a crying person if anything is wrong; or most importantly, engaging in acts with no practical purpose while wearing ridiculous camouflage get-ups, like hunting and fishing.