How to Deal with Toddler Separation Anxiety

We've all seen it. The toddler weeping as if her little heart will break as she clings to her mother's pant leg, absolutely determined not to let Mom out of her sight. Meanwhile, teacher, grandparent, or sitter stand by, desperately trying to coax the little Cling-On away with noise making toys, promises of ice cream for dinner and visions of "what FUN we're going to have." Mom then does one of two things. She stops, gathers her little one in her arms, and coos and cuddles her, calming her down and thus giving in completely. You can already see the wheels turning ("Well, I'll call Janice and just reschedule lunch for sometime next week. She'll understand."). Or, flushing red with embarassment at the attention the predicament is causing, she extracts her leg from her little one and flees in a panic, determined to get as far away as possible as quickly as possible.

So which reaction is the RIGHT one? Neither.

By giving in and staying with your little one, you are inadvertently teaching her to cry and throw a tantrum until she gets what she wants. In this case, Mommy to stay.

By beating a quick retreat, you are causing temporary separations to seem like abandonment in the eyes of your toddler. This only leads to a drastic increase in fear and panic whenever you must be apart.

Okay know it all, you're saying, so what am I SUPPOSED to do? How would YOU handle the situation when you have banana now smeared all over your new silk pants, you're cruising on three hours sleep,one cup of coffee, and you're not even sure you remembered to rinse the shampoo out of your hair in the shower this morning? Teach us, oh enlightened one.

Well, don't get snippy about it, but I will. (By the way, I haven't put on deodorant in over 24 hours, and I think I may currently have a hunk of half eaten pancake in my hair. Just wanted to share so you'd know we really are on the same page here.) :-)

The best way to handle these necessary separations involves a few basic steps.