Why Your Baby's Name Sucks

Since my lighthearted article "The Most Irritating New Trends in Baby Names" generated so much interest and controversy (over 1,500 page views and nearly a hundred comments), I have decided to take the next rational step. So, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, here is why your baby's name sucks.

Names should be between four and eight letters only. No exceptions. If you have given your baby a name with three letters, or nine or more, your baby's name sucks.

You should not scour the Bible looking for baby names. Unless you have high hopes that your child will one day build an arc or be swallowed whole by a giant whale, you should use other sources to name your baby.

Another source you should pass on is Beverly Hills 90210. We now finally have enough Dylans and Brandons, thank you very much.

Unusual means not usual, so baby names are only unusual when they are not commonly being used. At one time, yes, Madison was unusual. But it's not unusual anymore. Get it?

For the last time, I have no problem with Matthew. Unless it's Matthew Perry. Him I have a problem with.

If you insist on naming your baby with a word spelt backwards, be sure it is a palindrome. For those of you who do not know what a palindrome is, it is a word that reads the same backwards and forwards, like madam or poop. And please do not name your child "Palindrome." It has too many letters. "Poop," on the other hand, is acceptable.

Peyton Manning won the SuperBowl, yes, we know. No need to ink the name Peyton on your child's birth certificate to remember. DVDs of the game are available on eBay.

If you change the spelling of a usual baby name, especially by replacing an "I" with a "Y", your baby's name sucks.

Now, remember, by saying your baby's name sucks, I am in no way saying that your baby sucks. That issue will be explored in a future article. For an individual analysis of whether your baby sucks, please feel free to send me head shots and a brief bio, along with $19.95 per baby.

I welcome your praise for this fine article in the Comments section below. Hate mail may be sent to likeigive @ ratsass.comma. Just kidding. I do indeed care. That is why I don't want your baby to have a name that sucks.