The Things They Don't Tell You About HIV

There are some things they don't tell you about HIV. You will cry. A lot. Often, at unexpected times. You will learn: about yourself, insight into others, and the limits on yourself. The doctor visits are another thing they don't tell you after testing. There will be many doctor visits, and plenty of needles. Doctors and nurses will reassure you how it is treatable and controllable on drugs. They don't tell you how the entire process will make you feel as though you are a test subject. How is this drug working? They will poke and prod, and sometimes forget you are human, with feelings and fears. Sometimes they will think them irrational but none will tell you to your face. You will see the look in their eyes. They will tell you of possibilities but constantly remind you of reality through the five senses. You will feel the needle lodged in your vein. You will smell the antiseptic rooms and experience the cold of the lobby. You will taste the occasional blood. And you will see and hear the seconds of the clock tick away, falling in a steady stream collecting in a pool beneath.

You will also spend a lot of time with therapists, and possibly psychiatrists who try to place themselves in your position but never understand your point of view. You will deal with many professionals in white coats. Some days you will be nice, and others less than pleasant. Some days you will want to talk, and others without saying a word. Some days you will listen to music as therapy, and sing. With the medication, the side effects can be hallucinogenic. Depending on your own psyche, the experience can be pleasurable or terrifying. You will feel drugged and medicated, but you will adjust. The slightly hallucinogenic medication will also present you the opportunity of meeting St. Michael, because the metaphor of death will manifest.