Let's Dress Homeless People Up in Funny Costumes

I was walking down the streets of St. Louis, America's most dangerous city according to a bunch of assface statisticians, when a homeless guy popped around the corner of a building and spat at me.

"What the hell, man?" I said.

"Give me that laffy taffy! Give me that laffy taffy!" he sang, dancing around. I have no idea where he'd heard that song (he's homeless, where's his radio?), but seeing as he was insane, I stepped out of his way, my day effectively ruined.

Being a problem solver, I began to think about how the issue of crazy homeless people could be resolved, and it dawned on me as I ate a bucket of cold chicken from my neighbor's garbage--we need to start dressing up homeless people in funny little costumes.

You see, the biggest problem with our homeless populace is that they're simply too terrifying. They scare away potential tourists and make locals afraid to walk the streets at night, and they're really harshing our mellow.

Take your average scary homeless guy. He's dirty, he smells, he spent last night in a puddle of fluids that would throw a normal human being into sepsis, but his immune system has evolved to mutant-like strength through his diet of booze and pizza crust.

Okay, now put him in a rabbit costume with a big red bow around his neck.

How can you be afraid of that?

What we need to do is set up distribution centers with funny costumes for the homeless--they can offer food, clothing, or pine cones (which is like money to them), and in exchange the homeless have to dress up like leprechauns, astronauts, penguins, and whatever else we feel like--maybe with a regional twist.

Then, the next time you walk down the street at night, you don't need to worry about being viciously assaulted by a crazed homeless person. You only need to worry about being viciously assaulted by a crazed homeless person dressed up like a Keebler elf. It's a marginal improvement, yes, but it's an improvement.