Surviving the Completely Unanticipated

Wilderness Survival Tips You Won't Find Elsewhere

You probably know about surviving hypothermia and sunstroke, sunburn and frostbite, blizzards and thunderstorms, tornadoes and tsunamis, and most animal attacks. But there are some wilderness situations it's almost impossible to prepare for.

Suppose you're hiking in a remote area, and you find an isolated valley that isn't on your map. In the valley is a shack occupied by a clearly inbred family who have, well, interesting lampshades and upholstery, and an unnatural fondness for axes and chainsaws. In this situation, there's only one thing to do: RUN! Run for your life! Don't look back, drop your pack if you need speed, and if you hear your buddy screaming, don't stop - this is "every man for himself" time!

Or you find yourself near an overgrown cemetery or a plague-stricken town filled with cannibal zombies. You don't have to run quite as quickly; these creatures aren't terribly intelligent and tend to shamble. Again, the only way to survive is to run. If you have a shotgun, blow the heads off of a couple, as they'll stop to gorge themselves on their own dead, giving you a head start (no pun intended). If one of your group is bitten, shoot him too. He'll only turn into one of them.

One of the worst situations can be avoided by not camping during the three nights of the full moon. If you do find yourself in a tent under a full moon, realize those snufflings and growlings outside your tent probably aren't rabid raccoons. No, dear readers, they're werewolves. Your only defense is silver - silver bullets, silver-filled shotgun shells, even a silver letter-opener. A Swiss Army knife may do enough damage to slow a werewolf down, but remember, they're faster than you, and smarter than the living dead. Try to barricade yourself into your tent (if it's sturdy enough to withstand huge claws) or a cave, and don't come out until daylight. Then GO HOME!

So whenever you go off the map, pack some silver, a shotgun, a stake, and some Holy Water. You never know what you might find out there. Myths, you say? Legends? Stories to frighten small children? Just remember that all legends start with truth... And be careful out there!