How to Be an Awful Writer

Tips and Tricks for Writing the Most Boorish and Unintelligent Articles You Possibly Can

There is a disease sweeping across high schools and colleges everywhere that is really starting to weird me out. After having taught a Freshman Orientation class at my alma mater, I noticed an unbelievable string of just plain terrible paper writing by my students. Granted, this was a non credit course that they were being forced into taking and writing for, but the quality of their work astounded me. I am by no means a great writer, but in twenty minutes I could have cracked out a longer, more genuine, and better written article than all of these kids could have created combined. Had I been able to grade them, none would have received better than a C.

So that got me thinking...if these students, who are typically bright kids, have degraded themselves to turning in papers of disturbing quality, it must be a fad. The new "in" thing to do. Since I know that all of you popularity junkies want to get in on the action, I have compiled for you a list of the worst possible ways to write articles, papers, and essays. As amazing as it may be, college students, even "honors program" college students, used each and every one of these techniques. Use these tips to wow your friends.

As we all know, the first thing you need to do when you're writing is to think about a topic and do a little research. Awful writers know that the best way to select a topic to write about is to only consult one source. This allows the awful writer to be expressly biased and ensures that there is no purpose whatsoever for them to have written their article, since they are basically just paraphrasing everything the other person has already said. After all, when only considering someone else's singular point of view, it leaves little room for their own extrapolation, just what every awful writer really wants.