Don't Mountain Bike on a Mountain: A Lesson from an Athlete

Alleged Athlete Warns of Downhill Mountain Biking at 86-Degree Angles

It's important to note, first, that I'm an athlete—talented in all sports, from badminton to baseball, from ultimate Frisbee to football. My definition of "talent" is not looking completely ridiculous while engaged in a particular event. And by that definition I am talented. I throw fluidly, dribble ably, run effortlessly, and use adverbs excessively.

Even in sports where I am less capable—like lacrosse or spelunking—I still manage to look as if I belong. I attribute that to my overall coolness, and ability to wear Oakley sunglasses. I'm invincible, incapable of being owned by a sport. A recent trip to Brian Head, Utah with some "expert mountain bikers" called my bluff, however.

We loaded up our gear in one of the rider's Nissan Xterras (which I learned is the only vehicle you can own if you're a mountain biker) and left Las Vegas. Thus began our trek to Utah. When selecting a bike on arrival, I nonchalantly explained to the bike rental employee (a scruffy looking guy who owned a Nissan Xterra) that any bike would do. To an athlete, these little things—like picking out a bike—need not matter. Just get me on one and let me go.

It only took a mile on the trail before I started to get praise from the group, which I expected: "Wow, this is really your first time biking?" I'm an athlete, damn it, I can ride a bike, even if it is on an 89 degree downward slope over rocky terrain through thick brush hugging a cliff aptly called "The Cliff of Doom." When riding, I was mere seconds off the front rider, adrenaline coursing through my veins, cool mountain air blasting my face.

As proper etiquette dictated, we (the faster riders) would wait for them (my wife, and the slower riders). Inside I was snickering at the more experienced riders who were well behind me, a mere rook. Some were even walking their bikes down the more difficult sections! What a waste, I thought. Just ride.