Depression; Is it All in Your Head?

The Lost Years-Living with Depression

I have lived with depression for seventeen years of my life though it seems like forever. In 1990 I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I had been through a major divorce, turning forty and being a single Mom with no significant way of providing for my four children. I coped as long as I could denying that I was having problems. I had applied for and obtained a place in a local nursing school, after waiting on a list for months to get a spot. I hadn't attended a school for more than 25 years. I tried to absorb the pain of my children, now without a father. One day amidst the struggles of daily living with four kids alone, the dam broke and I had what I now call 'my breakdown.'

I woke up one morning, something set off the tears and they didn't stop. The tears flowed and continued to flow for days without end. Actually I was one of the lucky ones. I recognized that something was really wrong with my thoughts, beside my being so sad and the non-stop crying. I needed help and I needed it fast. I was on a state medical program at the time, I called my doctor and made an emergency appointment. He immediately put me on a very strong anti-depressant and told me that I would have to drop out of Nursing School until my mental health improved.

The last year and a half I had been on one of my constant diets to loose weight. I had lost an enormous amount of weight on a liquid diet, I looked great. Then one day out of the blue, my husband of seventeen years decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Things were going down-hill fast, as though I wasn't already depressed enough the doctor wanted to put me on a medication that would make me gain back the weight I had fought so hard to loose.. I reluctantly began medication, dropped out of school as advised, and spent the next nine months of my life in a drugged stupor. My children were not alone but were pretty much on their own while I tried to supervise things from my sofa, between naps. I had no family in the area and my friends were dealing with their own issues. You may think I was a terrible mother and trust me, I believed it back then myself. I did my best to fix things for all of us.