Understanding Grief

When our loved ones die, we are faced with some very serious life changing issues. Death, a taboo subject in our culture leaves us without much support for the grieving process. When the unimaginable reality occurs, and death snatches an integral part of our tapestry of life, we are left alone to cope. What is even more unnerving is the sudden gulfs in understanding between you and others who stand outside the circle of grief.

It is here that cultural and societal mores create the chasm between the newly widowed. Friends who initially were totally involved in your grieving become subtly uneasy. There is the slightest air of impatience if you suddenly feel that sharp aching well of grief. Friendships with other married couples can become altered beyond repair. Where you and your spouse may have been an active welcome part of their lives, now you're the uneasy third leg at the party. Clumsily, to try and make things better, you may find yourself at the recieving end of hastily arranged blind dates. This is to restore the sudden unwelcome imbalance of you being without a mate. You may be perceived suddenly as a threat to others relationships. WOW! What an ugly petty pile of emotional baggage the newly widowed must carry. And how very unfair.

Where do these subtle shifts in friendships come from? An inability to understand the entire process of death and bereavement. First, everyone is unique. We bring to the grief process the entire fabric of our own history. Add to that, we also bring the complex issues of the shared history with the deceased. The longer we have had a relationship or marriage, the deeper, the more traumatic the wounds. When trying to help a parent or widow cope with grief, you must keep all the history that lies between them in mind.