Caucasian Confucius: How to Be "Hot"

Dear Caucasian Confucius,

I am a pretty mediocre-looking 17-year old girl. I am a bit overweight and have some acne, along with a pale complexion and carrot red hair. I'm from a middle-class family, so my clothes are decent, but not exactly top of the line. I don't think I'm ugly or anything, but all the pretty girls at school make fun of me. How can I be attractive and stylish like them? Help me! - Gertrude, St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Gertrude,

You came to the right place, because I'm telling you, the Style Network ain't got nothin' on Caucasian Confucius! By the time I'm done with you, girl, Teen Vogue will be begging you to be their next cover girl. But we've got some work to do first.

First, about your name: Gertrude. It is, I am afraid, a hideously unattractive moniker. Michael Jackson's son laughs at your name, and his name is "Blanket." You will never be considered pretty and stylish as long as you call yourself Gertrude. You could suddenly transform into a Victoria's Secret model, but if your name is still Gertrude, you will still cause the sales reps at Abercrombie to vomit when you ask to try on a miniskirt. So from now on, call yourself Carmelita. It's exotic and ethnic-sounding, so people will focus on that instead of your pimples.

Now about those pimples, Carmelita: I don't know how many bathroom mirrors you have shattered with that face of yours, but unless you want to be picking glass shards off the floor for the rest of your natural life, the zits have got to go, and I don't care how well they match your hair color. Turn on your television to MTV and watch until you see a commercial for Pro-Activ. Quickly write down the toll free number on the screen and order your free 30-day supply. Jessica Simpson uses Pro-Activ, so you know it's good. Of course, Jessica Simpson would probably smear motor oil on her face if a doctor told her to, but don't worry about the details; just use the damn stuff already.