My Recovery from Codependency

My recovery from codependency was bumpy, rocky and hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just as it implies, codependency is something I depended on whole-heartedly.

This is my story.

When I was 17 years old, I met my first boyfriend. This is where the codependency really started. I couldn't do anything without him, couldn't go anywhere without him, couldn't breathe without him, etc. You get the picture. He was my everything and without him I was lost. It was sickening. I think back on it now and I have no idea what I was thinking or how I could have let this happen. I guess I truly had a mental illness.

I was with him for 8 years. The codependency lasted just as long. We didn't get along, we fought, I couldn't stand him. At the same time, I couldn't leave. I was afraid. I didn't know the world outside of the walls I created around him. He was all I knew and I was afraid to walk outside of that. So that's why we were together 8 years. I was afraid, lost and codependent.

I woke up one day and realized I couldn't go on like this anymore. I needed to walk away from the relationship, if you could even call it that at this point, and leave. I needed to break away from all I knew and get away. I needed to start over. I needed to be independent- something I had no idea how to be.

Leaving him was the worst battle I ever fought. It hurt me mentally and emotionally. He left and I was along. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I tried hanging around people I knew and my family. I tried to focus on work. I couldn't keep my hands off the phone.. I wanted to call him. Why? I don't know- I couldn't seem to get away from that codependent streak. I eventually found support with friends and family and got myself to the point where I realized I could function alone and by myself.