As the Stomach Turns: A Guide to the Illogical Logic of Soap Operas

One of the side effects from my incarceration at a government laboratory for 8 months back in 1996 was an addiction to soap operas. Specifically, one soap opera, called Days of Our Lives. Looking back, I should have seen it coming: I was locked in an on-site apartment, night after night, with 4 other female roomies, and 4 TV sets. With nothing to do on the laboratory grounds after dark, aside from additional lab work (no way), or TV watching, it's no wonder that this atrocity happened.

I laughed when my roomies would tape daytime shows like Days, then watch the programs at night. At first I didn't care, as I was too busy with my reading or letter writing. But slowly it started creeping in: I came to recognize the faces of individual characters, then to learn their names. Soon, not only could I pick these characters out of a lineup, but I even understood their anguish-du-jour. Simple plots led to subplots, then counter-plots. Before long, I found myself in the habit of sitting out an entire pre-taped episode, anxiously waiting for character A to reveal that he was secretly in love with his twin sister's mother's only son. Oh, the suspense!

In the process, my scientifically-bent mind came to understand some finer points about soap operas, as well as their internal logic. For the uninitiated, or even those who have been longtime soap fans, I present the following soap laws:

Law #1: Happiness equals death.

If a character is blissfully happy, and everything is going right in his/her life, that character is headed for a gruesome death. Expect a car crash, heart attack, or stroke. Alternatively, if there is a bad guy/gal on the show, then he/she will soon orchestrate a kidnapping/brainwashing/impregnation in order to do away with this sickenly-sweet happy-go-lucky person.

Law #2: Nobody works.