A Girlfriend's Guide to Loving Without Investing, Or How to Fall in Love Without Going Broke

If you haven't just fallen off that infamous turnip truck chances are excellent that you have made some foolish decisions in the name of love.

Unlike your Mother or your religious deity I do not blame you for doing so. To love is human; to screw up love is divine. I mean, how else do you know that you can indeed survive the gut-wrenching pain that is seeing the one you let talk you into depraved sex acts nuzzling the ex-girlfriend he swore he hated at the restaurant he always thought was way too pretentious?

How, indeed?

Yes, I do not blame you, dearheart, for loving the wrong guy. I will, however, blame you 100% should you, after reading this, ever pay for loving the wrong guy with your bank account or credit rating.

This is a handy-dandy list of how to love whole-heartedly without leaving a trail of bitter collection agencies in your wake.

Clip it, highlight it, and attach it to a picture of the finest man you have ever seen. Then crazy glue it to the lining of your knock-off designer handbag. And the next time you find yourself reaching inside said handbag to hand over both your number and "a few bucks for gas" check the pic and the list and ask yourself "is this man half as fine as the one in my wallet?" If he isn't shut both your purse and your legs. Fine, I'll settle for your purse but really? It won't kill you to shut your legs too.

Pillowtalk

Have you ever found yourself on the other side of a horrible relationship only to ask yourself, "how in the world did I let him talk me into that?!"

Well, the truth is everything sounds more reasonable in dim lights after a great orgasm or a few too many martinis. Men, in particular, know this on an instinctual level. That is why during the early days of most relationships he pumps your gas, gazes lovingly into your eyes and insists on paying his fair share.

But the moment he sees your eyes roll to the back of your head a guy predisposed to being Kato Caitlin begins calculating just how much your big screen TV and car are worth. This is why you must resist the urge to discuss any financial matter without all your clothes on and every light in the room blazing.