Scary Things Women Suggest to Us

"You Know, Two Can Live as Cheaply as One, Honey."

I remember well that time my then-girlfriend broached the topic of our future. She asked me to attend her sister's wedding with her. I wonder what ever happened to her?

Anyway, after a man and a woman have been together awhile one of them (guess which?) decides that what they have is "just right," so it must be changed. And the suggestions begin. "What if we--?" "How about we just--?" "Are you going to wear that--?" and so on. These suggestions go over like lead balloons filled with anthrax. Guys see where these suggestions are headed. And that's kinda the problem. Face it, guys are about the journey, woman are about the destination. Things are going along nicely. Women then want to know where "this is headed." What am I, I-95? Hey, if it's not broken, why marry it? Alas, getting a significant other is like having a back seat driver for every aspect of your life.

Look, men are hunters by nature. The thing we hunt for most is our comfort zone. And it takes some hunting: childhood was pretty cool, with mom and dad handling things. Adolescence was hell and I have the yearbook picture to prove it. You can see the fires of Hades licking at my mortarboard tassel. College came close, but there were all those papers and exams. They're really buzz-killers.

Finally we reach a point where we're legally of age to fend for ourselves without having to be mature about it. Good times. Chips and beer. A steady income invested in even more chips and beer. Big screen TV with the sound running through the stereo. And always the real possibility of sex. It takes a while for most guys to get their rut, er, excuse me, groove, down just right. Then along comes some pretty little thing and it's like a firecracker in LEGO town.

A woman saying something like "Why don't you give me a key?" or "What if we move in together?" translates, within the male's synaptic system, as "Why don't you put your stuff in storage? Oh, and put the toilet seat down." The phrase "oh-oh" leaps to mind.