Words: Sometimes Meaninglessly Meaningful

Adventures in Turning Real

Being a gentleman by common standards is impossible for me, because common men live due to their own efforts.

NOT ME

I live off of the efforts of others; and no, I'm not some fat-cat rich-man riding the work of my employees, I'm just lucky.

And being lucky through no out-and-out merit of my own, I become unworthy of the name "gentleman." (Indeed, one who bears that moniker is lucky because he has managed to be "good" in the face of temptational "badness.")

I still behave as a 'gentleman' in most cases-as I know no other way-but that behavior oftentimes becomes inappropriate when lucky-conditions come about (I.e. when I stumble into a relationship that involves no commitment, and start spouting dirty talk one would use with one's wife).

I'm going stream-of-consciousness here, so I'll change character: I'm Tom Cruise. Going through my life, I learned the ideal man was a "stage-handly" man-one for whom nothing mattered unless it was public record.

Then I met Katie Holmes, and knew that absolutely nothing mattered but that she were happy with her life. I tried to satisfy her through my "stagehandly" behavior, but she needed more than that ... she needed someone "gentlemanly"-one for whom everything he says matters.

Knowing that I was meant to fulfill the insatiable needs of the insatiable Katie (but that our craft would make life extremely difficult for her), I traveled back in time (a trick they teach most priests), arranged to be born a few years later, and this time stayed out of the casting lists.

Staying out of the casting lists, I was brought up to be a "gentleman." But a brain-injury stole my ability to "deserve" to be a gentleman (oh, the Catholic upbringing made me 'legally' a gentleman; but I just never felt the weight of the gentlemen's burden-the 'I am here because this is my job!')

Never feeling like a gentleman, I knew I'd never be worthy of Katie Holmes; and thus I resigned myself to a straight-swinger's lifestyle

The straight-swinger: an alternate form of gentleman (pre-'date seeking,' anti-marriage [whether you take 'anti-' to mean "against-" or "like-but-not-quite-"], non-commital, unworthy).