Being Mugged Has Made Me Afraid of Young Black Men. Should I Feel Guilty?

Confessions of a Socially Conscious yet Emotionally Burdened White Man

I have a difficult confession to make. Sometimes I am afraid of young African American men. I consider myself to be a socially conscious, bias-free white person, and yet this socially unacceptable paranoia still creeps into my mind. I am not afraid of all African American men, the phobia is somewhat specific to the "thug" look and mentality, and to an age range of about sixteen to thirty. Although to be perfectly honest, the paranoia still enters in it's own slight and sinister way into the interactions with well dressed or even older black men.

I have spent most of my life in an interracial city. I grew up surrounded by as many black and multi-ethnic children as white children, and yet I never managed to make a real connection to their social structure, although I was a severe geek and was unwelcome in all social groups. But even as a small child, I experienced the give and take of racial tension. Humans it seems, tend to naturally regard skin color as a type of uniform.

I was raised by a man who marched in the Civil Rights Movement, and in my home the "N" word was forbidden over any other curse word. I was taught that all people are exactly the same underneath their skin, and that while culture may seem to divide us, we are all one world family.

When I was very young my Father's had a college buddy named Aaron, who told my brother, my cousins and I fantastic, improvised stories about "Booger Man" and "Snot Man." He entertained in a rhythmic, jazzy voice and enthralled us for hours. I remember sitting on the floor with him, and I remember his voice, but I cannot remember his face. I know that he was black. But I can't remember his being black.

My next door neighbor, whom my Father was good friends with, was a tall black man with a young wife and a new baby. He was one of the few people outside of our extended family who I ever really saw my Father interact with. I can't for the life of me remember his name, but I remember his face, and that he smiled a lot. He had an eighties flat top and brown-tan skin.