Google's Answering Machine: An Open Letter from a Concerned User

(BEEP!)

Oh, Google...

I'm calling to let you know...we have to break up. It's not the money that's a problem...ok, maybe it is. Listen, you're always there right when I need you. You change gears in an instant - from funny, to calm, to intelligent, to completely stupid. You always know the right places to hit, or touch...or you're very, very wrong.

Here's the deal. You run my life. You're the first thing I see in the morning, and even when I'm not with you, you're there. Right beside me in my cooking sites, my blogs, my news feeds, my favorite places. And you know what? I'm glad you're charitable, and you give other people chances to use you. But I'm just not ready to have you everywhere.

You pay people to buy from you! You crawl all over their personal spaces, and they're expected to feel proud! "Hey, Google found me!" Except...you took it a little too far. You get into everything - lives that people don't want other people to know about! You pull up personal websites for parents or for stalkers, you let everyone know where I am, what I'm doing, and then you turn and tell everyone else what they're doing! You just can't keep your mouth shut!

You own YouTube, JotSpots, Writely. And you have 'partnerships' with mySpace, AOL, Time Warner, NASA, Sun. You've just spread yourself way out there. I dream about you at night, and I don't like what I see. Your 'ad sense' happens to desensitize people you're trying to help! There's a new, more accurate evaluation of you, because I've been realizing that people aren't going, "I got this cool trick from Google!" - they're saying, "I sold my soul to Google," bawling their eyes out.

So you know what? Give me that gigabyte of space for my mail. And my searching, hopefully it won't lead me to you. Take down my pictures from your wall, and my videos from your television. Stop crawling all over my personal space - I don't want you here. I don't care about your holidays, or your jokes, or even your wealth of information.