Democrats Propose Government-run Coffee Company

"Public" Coffee Option Necessary in Order to Keep Private Coffee Comepanis "Honest," Obama Says

Note: Although the following satirical report bears a striking resemblance to contemporary politics, it is merely a figment of the author's imagination.

Washington, D.C. -- According to a new national study by Un-American University, 50 million Americans do not consume a daily cup of coffee. Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) said that it is inequitable and disheartening to hear that this many Americans are unable to consume a cup of coffee per day. "The wealthiest Americans are able to visit a Starbucks anywhere in the country and get a drink. However, for millions of Americans, the price of a coffee is outside their reach. Further, some Americans file for bankruptcy due to the high cost of consuming coffee."

Pelosi directed her aides to draft new legislation to address the lack of coffee accessibility to fifty million Americans.

President Barack Obama wants to create government-run coffee companies, which he'll call the 'public coffee option.' "If the private coffee companies like Starbucks have to compete with a "public," government-run coffee company, it'll keep them honest and it'll help keep their prices down," Obama said. Further, Obama added, "If you like your private coffee, no one will take it from you."