My Biggest Secret

Each day and each sleepless night I carry with me a secret of shame and embarrassment. It has been a very long time since my biggest secret occurred and yet time does nothing to numb the pain or quell the confusion that engulfs my mind every single day of my life.

My secret is truly a secret, kept from everyone in my life except my husband and a few close family members. Only one person really knows the depth and circumstances of it all, and that is me. I can not speak it out loud nor escape its memories without breaking down and feeling humiliated.

I try to push it to the back of my mind and I know all of the analogies behind it. I am not supposed to feel shamed nor feel that it was my fault in any way. I am supposed to move on and come to terms with it. I should talk to people and let my feelings out and confront my abuser. Yet all of these things have thus far been unreachable to me.

With hope though comes courage. I have found that I am hopeful, though I may still be lacking in the courage department. I certainly hope that by writing this I will reach others who are in my same position; people who are stuck in this same place, unable to move forward because of the monsters from the past.

I am a victim of molestation. Even typing that phrase has a profound impact on my emotional state. I do not feel freed or better when it's said. I suffer shakiness, tears, and a sense of teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown with even the thought of it.

I do not have many memories of being a child, most of them I suppose I blocked out. For some reason though, I can not seem to block out these ones. I do not know exactly at what age it started nor can I remember at what age it ended. All I know is that I don't want to remember any more.

I know I was very young when it first started happening. I was around the age of five and I suppose it stopped when they moved away. Overall it lasted about seven years. The person who molested me was very close to me and I in fact still must face this person to this day.