Does Fecal Matter?

The subject of this article is taboo in polite society, and even in my own home, and may offend the sensibilities of some readers. However, every effort has been taken to make the subject.....tasteful?

The subject is toilet paper, or as it is known in coy America, bathroom tissue. Not only toilet paper, bumf, bog roll, loo roll per se, but toilet paper's purpose. It is used for the removal of fecal matter from the anus and other parts of the body. (For 'other parts', read fingers).

Toilet paper itself is a touchy subject, but spare a thought for the people who bring you toilet paper. Bearded macho men fight their way through Alaska sized forests to find the appropriate two ply softwood trees without slivers. When the appropriate 400 year old tree is located, it is cut down by a Lumber Jack, who performs juggling acts with his chain saw, as he shouts 'timber' at the top of his voice.

The felled tree is then tied together with others of its kind, floated down river, sliced and pulped and made into rolls. After that, there is an ordained method of use. First, you go to the corner shop and buy the toilet paper, which is wrapped in plastic, and store it under the wash basin in the bathroom. The bathroom tissue must be far enough away so that after you have voided your bowels and discovered there is no roll on the holder, you will not be able to reach the wrapped ones. I can't speak for women, but for men, this means a butt clenching shuffle whilst praying that no more fecal matter escapes, especially after an evening of beer and chili. Opening the cupboard and grabbing the toilet roll package is an art in itself, (www.squattingandclenching.com ) but the real problem is about to begin. The art of accessing the bog roll through the plastic wrap.