Do You Suffer From Wal-Mart Supercenter Syndrome?

The shelves and shelves of cheaper than cheap bags of candy in radioactive colors. The inevitable fluorescent lights drawing attention to garishly cut clothes in giant discount piles. The nearly free toilet paper stacked next to bargain books and oversized reading glasses, as if the three things were inseparable soul mates. And worst of all, the insane asylum white walls. In fact, they might as well truck you over to an insane asylum now because if you stay here an hour longer, you'll go crazy.

But where are you? What place could be so shamelessly ridden with tacky Taiwanese merchandise and the eerie charm of hospital decor?

Only a Wal-mart Supercenter---and, if you don't leave now, you'll catch Supercenter Syndrome, the fastest growing epidemic in the country that is also the most incurable. Once victimized by Supercenter Syndrome, a person can never recover.

One of the reasons why Supercenter Syndrome is so incurable is because it is so new and so rampant. Doctors didn't begin diagnosing this disease until Wal-marts started springing up in every town in America about ten years ago. What started as a quaint five-and-dime store in Arkansas during the 1970's has quickly become a haunting beacon of capitalism, plaguing everyone from bored housewives to Congressmen. Lured in by the great deals and consistent jaw-dropping prices, even the scientists researching cures for Supercenter Syndrome often caught the illness themselves. This happened so frequently that funding for research died years ago.

Even if the cure remains unknown, however, this is clear: the symptoms of Supercenter Syndrome are easily detectable. Here are the gruesome signs you should watch out for in your friends and loved ones: