The Five Presidents You Meet in Purgatory

Sometime in the future, five of the most reviled American Presidents of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries meet in Purgatory, a temporary state of grace in the afterlife where they have to expiate their sins. Alas, they're having a tough time of it. This quarrelsome quintet consists of Warren G. Harding, Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard M. Nixon, William Jefferson Clinton, and George W. Bush.

Clinton: Man, is it hot or what?

Bush: Cool off, Bubba. There's no skirts here.

Clinton: Can't even cling onto Hillary's anymore. Ha, ha, ha... Hey, Dickie, you stole my tv. You watchin' "Bonanza" again?

Nixon: I am not a crook.

Bush: I don't do tv anymore. I just read books. Finished "Huckleberry Finn." You should see the one Mark Twain's writin' now.

Clinton: I don't blame you for retreatin' into the past, Dickie. Especially after Watergate, Vietnam, and bein' thrown outta office.

Nixon: At least I wasn't impeached.

Clinton: You woulda been if you'd stayed. You lost, Dickie. Heck, you didn't even put up a fight. I fought the almighty Republicans and won. I left office with a 65-percent approval ratin' after the longest peacetime economic expansion in American history. You had about 30 percent plus stagflation.

Nixon: I went to China, landed a man on the moon, and ended the Vietnam War, which Johnnie over here screwed up. [Expletive deleted].

Johnson: Listen you damned Yankee, Bubba's right. I fought, you ran. All I needed were a coupla hundred thousand more troops. Then I woulda whupped those skinny little Commies easy. But Congress and the press kept giving me grief.

Bush: I had the same problem with my big surge in Iraq.

Johnson: Big surge? I've had bigger pimples on my ass. You put an extra 30,000 soldiers into Baghdad. I had over half a million in Vietnam, and it still wasn't enough.

Clinton: When you fight, you fight to win.

Bush: That's easy for you to say, Bubba. While you were puffin' weed, I was flyin' military aircraft.

Clinton: Your daddy got you that cushy job, Georgie. You never even went overseas. As for the pot, you know I never inhaled.

Bush: The only hardware you ever fired was that cannon attached to your lower abdomen.