Fashion and a Peril for Men

In junior high I was named "best dressed" in drama class, which immediately concerned my father. Fortunately, the testosterone kicked in and by twelfth grade my taste had so declined that "matching" merely meant that all my clothes were wrinkled.

For whatever reason -- cultural, spiritual, X-chromosome deficiency -- men are clumsy dressers. Most days it looks like we get dressed in the dark. While intoxicated.

When a woman stands in the closet, she is planning, inventing, dreaming. When a man stands there, he is wondering what time the game starts. So we keep things simple -- three or four outfits max. Compare to women, who may wear that many outfits IN THE SAME DAY.

Men's fashion woes date back to the beginning, when Eve took one look at Adam's covering and said, "No, that bougainvillea just doesn't work for you. It's so last season."

What men could really use is Garanimals for Adults so all we have to do is match the giraffe tops with the giraffe bottoms, the lion belts with the lion shoes ...

The question is, Can men be taught to dress, or is it simply their nature to mismatch? We go In Search of: Fashion and a Peril for Men.

Meet Bob Carriere, owner of Carriere Menswear and guru to all who climb his mountain. Bob's store smelled like the inside of a Ferrari; and as with Ferraris, I tried not to touch anything. Bob deals in dressy garb from Italy -- Zenga, Etro, and some you can't pronounce so don't even try.

Bob's Canali shirt peeled back to reveal a chic yet manly pendant, and his blue jeans flared at the bottom. He reclined against a rack of snakeskin shoes with an easy air, Pierce Brosnan without the groupies.

"How you dress," says Bob, "tells the world how to treat you. Your clothes say quite a bit."

My own outfit said, "I live with grandma." Bob suggested that my sweater could be smaller and slightly less blue, and that my khaki pants be "pressed" (I believe they have special machines for that).

This from a man who was selling pants WITH HOLES IN THEM.

"What's the difference," I asked, "between designer holes and the ones that occur naturally over time?"

"About two hundred bucks," said Bob.