Social Anxiety Disorder

The wind blows circles in my mind, scattering thoughts of sanity into random confusion.
Around me I can see the calmness of structure, an anchor of serenity that never allows me the chance to steady my judgment . Two separate worlds existing in the same time and same place, one of smiles, and one of tension. My world, a continuous mental storm of relentless anxiety, the other, an island of peace.

Social confrontations are always fueled by extreme emotion, continually heightened by the unreasonable panic generated in my head. Just the slightest sign of acknowledgment, from those around me, can trigger every nerve in my body to twitch without consent and corner me into a state of unwarranted embarrassment. Oh to be able to retreat forever into the security of some passive oasis, far away from myself and all those around me.

Forced isolation, however, is never even close to the solution. It is only a means to an end, an attempt at protecting myself from the whole world ripping into my fragile mind. I envisage a rush of cold cleansing water flowing through my mind and removing all that threatens my stability. A magical stream of serenity that could wash away this unyielding mental torment. But until that time, I remain alone, consumed by apprehension, and plagued by inner anxiety. A compromise in life that allows me to function, but violates my freedom.

This type of self medication separates me from any close human contact I want so much to embrace. To have someone to hold, and who in turn holds me, just doesn't seem possible. Day after day arrives for me with empty dreams, offering only a reflection of all those lonely yesterdays to give promise to tomorrow. What started out as just a nervous personality as a child, has now become an overwhelming pressure of self-consciousness