When Debt Collectors Won't Let Go

Queen of the Gypsy Skip Tracers

Thanks to an identity theft ring possibly connected to the 911 terrorists, my apartment has become skip tracer central. Yes, even though all the branches of law enforcement from the State Controller's office to the Federal Bureau of Investigation have been unable to find hide or hair of this merry band of desperadoes, it has become customary for the skip tracers of the world to call my apartment night and day in the fond hope of tracing down a deadbeat who is equally apt to respond with a check or live rounds of ammunition.

What do you do if the collection agencies of the world decide that you are personally the one to find Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice? A sense of humor couldn't hurt. That, an answering machine and a working connection to the internet.

Because anyone who is anyone has taken to using cell phones with disposable numbers that they can ditch in a trice, the skip tracers of the world have decided to latch onto the few remaining people who are traceable in the vain hope of capturing those who in the immortal words of Queen practice the rule: "To avoid complications, she never keeps the same address..."

Here are some signs of trouble. Should you foolishly answer your phone without screening first, you will hear dead air. Hang up immediately. It is a robo-dialer. Let them know you are present, and you will never hear the end of them. I've had calls all hours of the day and night, regardless of current laws. Allegedly, there is a sound file available on the internet that imitates the tone given by a non-working or disconnected phone. If you want to give it a shot, Google it, download and add it to the beginning of your answering machine, it can automatically disable robo-dialers.

I am an early riser with a cranky personality, so I prefer the blood sport of giving callers the rough end of my tongue. When I am in a particularly peppy mood I like to respond to the question of "May I speak to nonexistent person who moved to the hills of Afghanistan? Thusly, "You could speak to them, if you would just call their number."