Tattoo Removal - Fourteen Months of Buyer's Remorse

Once upon a time I drank so much tequila that I lost track of ... what's that called ... consciousness. Next morning, I couldn't remember a thing.

Fortunately, the tattoo would jar my memory.

The "tribal band" circled my left bicep like a serial bee sting, the om symbol thirteen times. Om is supposed to reveal the fleeting nature of reality. I had decided to honor it with a PERMANENT MARK.

Every tattoo should say the same thing -- "I'm an idiot." That way, when you wake up ten years later and wonder what you were thinking, the answer is right there.

So, yes, all these years after The Tequila Incident, I decided to zap the tattoo.

Dr. Seuss warned me about this way back in kindergarten. The Sneetches, you see, wanted stars on their bellies until everyone else got stars on their bellies and then they all just wanted to be the way they were. That's when Sylvester McMonkey McBean stepped in with his star-off machine.

"I'll make you again the best Sneetches on beaches, and all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches."

These days tattoo removal costs more than ten dollars eaches. Let's just say that you could see a sizable chunk of this world and, depending on the ruble, possibly others.

Doctor's Office

I arrived at the clinic feeling queasy as before a big performance. It wasn't quite butterflies but worms. Tequila worms. Fortunately, Dr. Kaufman was smooth like Harry Connick, Jr. He didn't ask where I got the tattoo, how much it cost, or more obviously, Why am I such an idiot?

Kaufman injected my om's with epinephrine, cocaine for your skin. He advised me not to look down, because then I would see -- AH! Blood trickling! Arm in danger! Request backup!

Kaufman distracted me with talk about laser technology. Turns out that black tattoos respond better than color because the ruby stone ... something something .... different wavelengths ... I'm sorry, the man was STICKING ME WITH NEEDLES.

The point is that if you get a tattoo, go with black. I recommend the peel-off kind you find at the grocery store. Reapply every morning for ten years, and then, if you're still interested, get it done professionally. Whatever you do, steer clear of lovers' names.