The Art of Listening: When the Heart Speaks

Have you ever had a weighty decision to make or an emotionally-taxing situation to deal with and decided to confide in someone? We all have, right? I can remember doing just that and being disappointed over the response I got. The person whom I trusted as a safe place ended up letting me down.

Many of us experience hurt when we feel that our best friend, our clergyman, or our husband doesn't offer us the support that we need. In fact, it's tempting to shut down, close down and keep all the frustration locked inside. We respond to life and to others with our walls strategically erected and try to hide our discomfort. Instead of risking another let down, we stop trusting.

Though it may seem like a solution, isolation is not healthy. "No man is an island," chides a popular quote. We are social beings. In fact, Abraham Maslow created a hierarchy of needs where "love/belonging" and "esteem" are grouped with "physiological" and "safety" needs. Despite this, many parents feel that putting a roof over their child's head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach is enough. It is true that these are survival needs but I submit to you that connection and esteem are equally critical to our soul's survival. Without an abiding sense of our own value, we subject ourselves to danger.

Valuing oneself is also key to how we perceive and respond to others in social situations. Though I longed for connection and sought abiding friendships, I lacked the vital skill of listening. Often, I would be overly focused on what I wanted to say, often interrupting, comparing what they were saying to my own experience and giving unsolicited advice. This approach made me feel powerful and needed, but it fractured potential intimate bonds.