Meeting the Parents

What? There's Two of Them??

What is the big deal about meeting the parents these days? Man, I had to meet the parents of every single girl I ever dated. All both of them. That's how it was. You didn't just pull up and beep your horn and have the girl run out to meet you like she was a carhop and had curb service. Oh, no, you had to go up to that front door every single time and knock. Heaven forbid your date answer the door. That would be too flippin' easy.

No, no, it was the mother who answered. Or worse, the father, who looked at you like you were some sex-starved maniac who only had one thing in mind for his daughter. Get out of my head, old man! And forget about trying the new electronic version of this gambit, where the guy calls on his cell from the car outside your house to let you know he's waiting. It's a good thing cell phones don't have wires because I can only imagine how a father would wrap a cord around my neck.

But these days, somewhere after the teenage dating scene and prior to the online dating contingency, the unattached girl goes off on her own. And if you're the lucky sap to start dating her while she's Miss Independent, well, so much the better. But where meeting the parents was once a normal part of the dating cycle and taken in stride, it now morphs into the mythic saga of a George Lucas film (you know, his earlier good ones) (No, not "Howard the Duck." Shut up.)

The "meeting of the parents" is now the female version of asking her to move in with you. You've passed the primaries and are now headed into the general election. Only for this campaign there are only two electoral votes, mom and dad.

Yes, you'll meet the dad. And he's on to you. Why? Because he was you a couple of decades ago. Sure, maybe the hair was more afro-y and the pants stone-washed back in his day but he's been there, done that and has the tax exemptions to prove it. And there's nothing you can do about it. And here's the amazing part: He doesn't have to do a thing. Just by standing there and looking bemused he will have you spilling your guts like an Abu Ghraib inmate.