Drunken Man Emerges from Under Train

A young German man recently set a new standard for drunkenness- he fell under a moving train after being startled out of a nap. The 19-year old Berlin native came to the train station in nearby Cologne, but apparently had a tad too much to drink before he arrived. The man decided to take a nap on a station platform near the area where trains pass by. Hearing the sound of an incoming locomotive, the man was jolted out of his alcohol-induced slumber. He lost his balance, and instead of righting himself, the man plunged down onto the tracks right in front of the oncoming train.

The train's conductor, obviously frantic in light of the unfolding events, pulled the train's emergency brakes, but nothing could stop the speeding locomotive in time. The lucky young gentleman claimed that he was hardly touched as the train barreled overhead, inches from tearing him to shreds. He emerged seconds later, sitting up under his own power with a no doubt bewildered look upon his face. Cologne law enforcement were called immediately to the scene, to discover that not only was the man not strewn in a million pieces across the tracks, but that he was relatively unharmed.

"According to the man he fell exactly between the two tracks and just felt a light knock on the head," Cologne police said in a statement. The man was taken to a nearby hospital to undergo observation. If I worked at a hospital, I would want to observe this guy too- he apparently can't be killed by practical means.

For the rest of his life, the man will be able to say that he survived falling underneath a moving train. Like other fellow readers, I too have had moments of drunkenness in which I felt like I was superhuman. I can fight men twice my size, I can jump across bonfires, and I can eat Taco Bell with that really hot Volcano Sauce on it. This man puts those God-like accomplishments to shame. It must be excessively difficult to get drunk to the point where you fall asleep on a train platform and tumble on to the tracks- although I cannot imagine a more sobering moment. I can see a Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" advertisement already...