Wasting Time at Work: A How-to-Guide

It's 6:00 am and your alarm rings. What are your first thoughts upon waking up? How am I going to waste time at work today?! Well, those are my first thoughts and this is the how-to-guide from me to you on exactly that. If you follow this plan you'll do about an hour of actual work and who doesn't like avoiding actual work?

Let's say you have to be to work by 8:00am. The smartest of workers arrive at 8:05am, citing a slow moving bus or a busy elevator as their excuse for being tardy. Don't have an elevator in your place of business? Blame your delay on a bum knee and a parking spot that was as far away as possible.

Now we'll take the rest of the day in steps starting with...

Coffee: Everyone knows you have to start your day off with a cup (or two, or three) of coffee. Don't drink it black, because then you won't gain the valuable time wasting seconds that it takes to open up the creamer and stir in the sugar. I use three creamers, because I'm hardcore into wasting time. But only one sugar, as I have to watch my girlish figure. After coffee everyone knows that it's time for step number two.

Bathroom Break #1: That coffee goes straight through you, therefore giving you the perfect excuse for a bathroom break. Pretend like you're in kindergarten and get distracted by the five dollar paintings of different colored flowers in ceramic vases that hang on the wall. This should easily buy you an extra five minutes.

'Important Phone Call': and by 'important phone call' I mean calling your cell phone voice mail from your work phone, or perhaps calling up that credit card company and checking how much interest has accrued your way over-due balance (this usually allows extra time for crying). And if you get completely desperate you can always call up Grandma and swap oatmeal cookie recipes.

15 minute break: This one is pretty self explanatory. You could go outside, walk around high five-ing your coworkers, or there's always banging your head up against the vending machine that decided to eat your last dollar.