Cinco De Mayo: Is it About Cerveza or Civil Rights?

On May 5, 1862, a group of about two thousand Mexicans kicked a bunch of French people's butts at the Battle of Puebla. This has become a Mexican national holiday called "Cinco de Mayo" in honor of that country's favorite condiment. You would think it would be called "Cinco de Salsa" or "Cinco de Guacamole" but you'd be so totally wrong. To celebrate this proud moment in Mexico's colorful history, everybody in North America (Mexican and otherwise) goes out and gets hammered on tequila and Zima and orange juice that's past its expiration date and whatever else happens to be lying around, and shouts inappropriate things to women and falls down and just generally makes idiots of themselves.

The French, on the other hand, celebrate this day by sitting around in cafes, smoking cigarettes and drinking lattes and talking trash about everybody in that nasally way they have that makes you want to pull their stupid berets so far down over their heads that they suffocate. The French are embarrassed that the Mexicans gave them a beating, and when they watch their tiny black and white televisions on May 5 and see all the people in America and Mexico getting drunk and being idiots, they will hang their heads in shame and cry, "Mon dieu! Voici la poisson de mon frere Raoul. Il y a quinze fleurs sur l'herbe! Le poo." It's a terrible thing to see a Frenchman cry.

Ironically (or maybe not -- I have a hard time with irony), it was only three years later on this same date that the 13th Constitutional Amendment was ratified to shorten the word "Constitutional" to something that is easier to type. No, I am only joking, and it's not even very funny. The truth is that it was ratified to abolish slavery in America. You would think that we Americans would take the time to learn our history and instead of celebrating a Mexican holiday we don't even know the reason for, we would instead leave that to the Mexicans (who are probably annoyed with us stealing their thunder all the time anyway) and celebrate the greatest triumph in civil rights this nation has ever known.