Humor: Gambling Tips

Today, I will be sharing some happy little tips on gambling (both on the Vegas strip, and off it).

Gambling is defined as 1a) playing a game for money or property, 1b) to bet on an uncertain outcome. Or 2) to stake something on a contingency; take a chance. I will guarantee that after reading todays various gambling tips, we will change the definition of gambling to 1) making money from a sure thing.

1) Work on your poker face: The poker face is important when gambling. When you're holding a full house, A's over K's, and you're smiling like a guy who's just had sex for the first time, people get the idea that you're gonna win, and thus, you're making no money. So, here's my tip. When you're guaranteed to win, make a really stupid looking face. Cross your eyes, dot your T's, but make sure that the people around you think you belong in the local insane asylum. Chances are, they'll either just give you all their money because they're scared of you, or they'll get the men in white coats to throw you in the asylum. Either way, you're getting your next meal for free.

2) Learn how to count cards: When you go to Las Vegas next time, pick up the 'Counting Cards' ability. I did this last time I was out there, and boy oh boy was it fun. Every time the blackjack dealer threw a card in front of me, I'd call out a number. 1, 2, 3, 4, every card was accounted for. The dealers all looked at me funny, and I didn't really make any more money, but I had a lot of fun doing it! I could count cards all day! It's too easy when they only have one deck, because you already know they have 52 cards there. But when you're playing off a multi-deck shoe, it's a lot more fun.

3) Look for money in the slot machines: My grandmother always used to tell me, "You can live an entire weekend just off money you find in slot machines." I took her advice to heart, and started looking in all the slot machines in the entire casino. However, I would recommend you bring a ski mask, a wrench and/or a screwdriver, depending on how the slot machine is put together. This tip DOES also work for poker machines. I would recommend the higher denomination machines, because it means extra cash!