Living Together Before Marriage: It's a Matter of Choice, Not Sin

Cohabitation receives a lot of negative press. The media seems to have focused on the distorted view of research pushed by the National Marriage Project. Apparently, my beloved and I will be getting into physical fights, cheat, be less committed to each other, deeply unhappy and, if we had children, they would be abused because we are living together outside marriage. If we do get married, our marriage will be weak and destined to break up due to prior cohabitation.

According to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, who published a report on cohabitation for Rutgers University, "The reasons for a negative 'cohabitation effect' are not fully understood. One may be that while marriages are held together largely by a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undercut this ethic." By their very nature? I'm rather suspicious of the agendas of Mr. Popenoe, who heads the conservative and misleading National Marriage Project, and Dr. Whitehead, who published an article entitled, "Dan Quayle was Right". The National Marriage Project seriously misrepresents research on alternatives to marriage and relationships prior to marriage.

Commitment has more to do with the mindsets of the people involved, rather than living arrangements. Being capable of resolving issues and arguments in a healthy way indicates a long lasting relationship, not a legal or religious document. Most people do not take moving in together very lightly. Even in New York City, where the economic and real estate disparity tends to speed up merging lives, denizens still tend to think long and hard about making this commitment.

Personally, I never envisioned myself married, let alone living with a partner. I was comfortable with the notion of growing old with my dog, having loving relationships, but still being on my own, fiercely independent. I didn't feel the absolute need for a husband or boyfriend, regardless of what people - or news reports - around me thought best.