'I'm Sorry': Two Words You Should Never Say to Someone You Have Hurt
If you thought this was going to be one of those articles with fatuous advice about how to 'say your sorry' and 'kiss and make up', forget it. 'I'm sorry' and words to that effect can be the worst thing you can say to someone you hurt. I know, as a kid, you were told to say, 'I'm sorry' to someone kid you hit or were mean to. But I'm sorry to tell you, that was just lazy parent or teacher's excuse for not dealing with the real problem. I know. I'm a teacher. I know the jargon. We want click our heels together and say 'If you just say sorry, every thing will be okay.' But let's face it. Were you really sorry when you hurt the person? Probably not. If you were sorry at that point it was because
a- you got caught
b-you are only sorry you didn't hit the kid harder
c-you were glad you hit him because he'd been picking on you and ignore it didn't work
d-you made a genuine mistake
e-you're lying
f-you are a schizophrenic
g- you're a chronic bully who knows how to manipulate the system.
And what about when you are on the receiving end of the 'I'm sorry'? When someone has just laid into you, verbally or physically, you're still smarting from the wound. You don't want to see her ugly, stupid face, let alone hear her say in that smarmy voice, 'I'm sorry.' You know darn well she's just doing it to cozy up to mom or the teacher.
And when did sorry every heal an injury or a broken heart? Talk isn't cheap, it's free. Contrary to urban legend, 'I'm sorry' is not the hardest word to say. Oh sure, if you are talking about a deep gut-wrenching 'I'm sorry' that comes after you've scathed your soul and realized what a complete fool you'd been. But those kind of apologies aren't wrought five minutes you've just slugged someone or called him a 'stupid, worthless jerk'. The problem that prompted those kinds of behaviors aren't immediately fixable.
a- you got caught
b-you are only sorry you didn't hit the kid harder
c-you were glad you hit him because he'd been picking on you and ignore it didn't work
d-you made a genuine mistake
e-you're lying
f-you are a schizophrenic
g- you're a chronic bully who knows how to manipulate the system.
And what about when you are on the receiving end of the 'I'm sorry'? When someone has just laid into you, verbally or physically, you're still smarting from the wound. You don't want to see her ugly, stupid face, let alone hear her say in that smarmy voice, 'I'm sorry.' You know darn well she's just doing it to cozy up to mom or the teacher.
And when did sorry every heal an injury or a broken heart? Talk isn't cheap, it's free. Contrary to urban legend, 'I'm sorry' is not the hardest word to say. Oh sure, if you are talking about a deep gut-wrenching 'I'm sorry' that comes after you've scathed your soul and realized what a complete fool you'd been. But those kind of apologies aren't wrought five minutes you've just slugged someone or called him a 'stupid, worthless jerk'. The problem that prompted those kinds of behaviors aren't immediately fixable.
Comments
We don't share many interests but this piece is right on point. There have been many times in my life when I've apologized reflexively without any real emotion behind it. I also believe, however, that people shouldn't be easily offended either--especially by words. People can only really hurt you with their words if you respect their opinions and what they're saying happens to be true.
Wonderful! This is how the situation should be taught at home and at school.
Great points. I think we are woefully lacking in thoughtful and SINCERE apologies...but that is not the type of apology you are talking about and I agree with you!
Great article! I have been known to say "I'm Sorry" without having any real desire to make the changes needed. Thankfully, I have grown up!
That's another good point, Gaga M. 'I'm sorry' to a bully like your friend often translates as a power tool to them'. Obviously, there's a time and place to apologize, but sometimes your 'I'm sorry' is like casting pearls before swine.
GagaM
(Guest)
(Guest)
11/10/2009
I remember being the brunt of a special friend's anger. When I apologized and asked her forgiveness, she said "Not unless you can take back what was done." Of course that was not possible. Today, 6 years later I've been told I'm forgiven, but never to darken her door or speak with her again. Never to touch her as we lay hands on one another in prayer in church. Eventually we moved away from that locality. The secret ache stays with me and I lift her up in prayer each time she enters my mind. God is able.
This is an excellent article and it's so true apologizing until you are ready to change your behavior is key. In fact, this just happened to me recently at my day job. I wasn't ready to even feel sorry for how rude I was to her 9 months ago until I was ready to move on. Funny how that happens.
interesting info
Actually,my conversion to Catholicism was part of this whole thesis. The Church takes confession very seriously and breaks it down into recognition of wrong, confessing the sin (owning up to it publicly), contrition (the actual spoken sorrow or 'I'm sorry') repentance (committing to avoiding the sin) and penance (restitution; practicing good habits).
Interesting.
I wonder how the Catholic Church would feel about this :-)
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