Darius Rucker: The second-greatest black country singer of all time
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I love watching awards shows and one of my favorites is the CMA Awards (Country Music Awards Awards) because I know that them there country folks sure do know how to put on one rootin'-tootin', shit-kickin' show. But mainly it's because they have lots of purty girls, and purty girls are all it takes to hold my attention. So join me as I throw on my cowboy hat, slip on my boots, sit back naked in my recliner, spit tobacco and watch the CMAs.
Carrie Underwood is a purty girl. Brad Paisley is not.
Carrie and Brad make Kanye West reference #1 by singing a lame-ass tune called "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Kanye." Suddenly, I don't hate Kanye as much as I did before.
Miranda Lambert is a purty girl who also looks like one real nasty broad who could cause a guy a lot of pain. And I mean that in a good way.
Brad Paisley's wife, Kimberly Williams, is a purty girl.
Even though he's new to the world of country music, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man Darius Rucker is already second only to Charley Pride on the list of greatest black country singers of all time. Quite an accomplishment.
What's up with Sugarland? They are two people. You can't give yourself a group name when there are only two of you—two does not constitute a group! And what the hell is the story with Lady Antebellum? There are three of them—two guys and a chick—yet they have the name of a single person. Is the female member of the group Lady? Is Antebellum her last name? WTF?
Kellie Pickler is a purty girl—dumb as hell, but purty.
Every time I see Kid Rock, I feel like I have to take a shower.
As Lee Ann Rimes—another purty girl—presents the award for Male Vocalist of the Year, I'm thinking she'd be a great candidate for Home-Wrecker of the Year.
Reba McIntyre is warbling another one of her crap songs while dressed in a sleeveless top designed to accentuate her sagging, 54-year-old mammaries. She's also wearing knee-high leather boots and extremely tight black pants and looks like a biker chick ready to get bombed out of her head and take on a barroomful of fat, ugly guys on top of a pool table. That's where my mind goes when I'm bored shitless.
Carrie Underwood is a purty girl. Brad Paisley is not.
Carrie and Brad make Kanye West reference #1 by singing a lame-ass tune called "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Kanye." Suddenly, I don't hate Kanye as much as I did before.
Miranda Lambert is a purty girl who also looks like one real nasty broad who could cause a guy a lot of pain. And I mean that in a good way.
Brad Paisley's wife, Kimberly Williams, is a purty girl.
Even though he's new to the world of country music, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man Darius Rucker is already second only to Charley Pride on the list of greatest black country singers of all time. Quite an accomplishment.
What's up with Sugarland? They are two people. You can't give yourself a group name when there are only two of you—two does not constitute a group! And what the hell is the story with Lady Antebellum? There are three of them—two guys and a chick—yet they have the name of a single person. Is the female member of the group Lady? Is Antebellum her last name? WTF?
Kellie Pickler is a purty girl—dumb as hell, but purty.
Every time I see Kid Rock, I feel like I have to take a shower.
As Lee Ann Rimes—another purty girl—presents the award for Male Vocalist of the Year, I'm thinking she'd be a great candidate for Home-Wrecker of the Year.
Reba McIntyre is warbling another one of her crap songs while dressed in a sleeveless top designed to accentuate her sagging, 54-year-old mammaries. She's also wearing knee-high leather boots and extremely tight black pants and looks like a biker chick ready to get bombed out of her head and take on a barroomful of fat, ugly guys on top of a pool table. That's where my mind goes when I'm bored shitless.
Comments
Awesome article, Frank!
Kid Rock makes more sense that Taylor Swift(less). I am a true country fan, I do not sit nakes in my recliner nor do I speak they way you wrote this!
Thanks for saving me the trouble of watching it, which I faithfully never do, year after year.
Laura Pace Wedge
(Guest)
(Guest)
11/12/2009
Jo, It's time to burn the recliner! lol
Yes, a very helpful article that deserves lots of thumbs. And where does Jennifer live where they serve booze at the gas station? That cowboy diva lady is seriously honked off at you. Is she purty?
Oh my God. Frank, the statement about Kid Rock is so true! He's just so gross. I see his type drunk off their ass at the gas station all the time. ewwww....
Okay, I just googled it. 5'10" or 5'11", depending on which unreliable source you want to believe...
I guess I'll post a comment as myself now (no sense hiding behind the "Cowgirl Diva" persona any longer). You are a sad sad little man. Hehehehe. Did you see Taylor Swift on SNL? I did. How tall is she, anyway?
Did you really watch it? And pass the crack please! Scary for me, a 56 year classic rocker, to think that we have the exact same opinion on Kid Rock. I always feel disgusted just looking at him..
OK, OK, it was late when I wrote this and I was tired, "Cowgirl!" Christina and Martina are pretty much the same when your brain is numb. Anyway I corrected the error so as not to further offend anyone else who might take my recap as serious reporting. Now go ride your mechanical bull and leave me alone.
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