Complaining and a Bracelet to Stop It

My career in nagging started early, in Dad's Plymouth Volare:

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Until my dad, doing 80, finally said, "Yes, we are there, Jason. And you can step out any time you'd like."

Mom didn't give in either. She'd just rub her fingers together and say, "Honey, what's this? World's smallest violin."

So it goes.

Marriage brought more lessons. My wife and I debated the philosophy of decorative towels until I prevailed with this argument: "Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

Even our love life suffered my grousing. During sex I would always start in: "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

You can see why Ventura Unity issued me a "complaint bracelet." Unity is a New Thought church, which means you think for yourself (sorry, middle states). It's hard to concentrate on the message, though, because reverend Cathy Norman is, to speak in clerical terms, a hot chickie mama. Picture Heather Locklear with a heart.

"Happiness," says Cathy, "is an inside job. It's not what you look at but what you see."

To think that I had avoided this place over a mix-up about their opposition to "sects."

Yes, the bracelet. You wear this blue band on a wrist until you complain, at which point you switch arms and start over. Certain religions have you snap the bracelet and carry the welt as a reminder of your weakness.

Cathy handed me the bracelet, and I didn't say a word about its being made in China like everything else, including American flags and most of our honor-roll students.

I thought it would be easy to give up whining, the way I give up baseball every October after the Yankees lose the World Series. Turns out that society promotes complaining. Corporations devote entire departments to it...

"Hello, is this the Kellogg's Complaint Line? Yes, I'm calling about my Frosted Flakes. They were good, but they weren't grrrrreat!"

The problem is ego as suggested by Apostles John and Paul (Let It Be 4:3)...

"All I can hear, I-me-mine, I-me-mine, I-me-mine. Even those tears, I-me-mine, I-me-mine, I-me-mine."